I am exhausted!

It’s been a while between posts, and I figure I should probably fill you all in on on my whereabouts. To say the least, I feel like I’m on an uphill battle with no happy ending in sight. To be truthful, I am yet to even see the faintest glimmer of light. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted!

Since writing my last post, my fertility journey has commenced. It feels weird saying that, because no one really knows what a fertility journey is until they’re put in a position they have to undergo one.

If you read my welcome post, you would know that at age 30 I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). To anyone who may not know what this is, it’s a condition that affects a woman’s hormone levels. I hope to write a more detailed post on PCOS itself, but that will likely come a little later down the track. It is important to understand that whilst you can be diagnosed with PCOS, there are different versions of it, different key factors that determine what your individual issues may be, and in turn, what possible treatments you may need to undergo. My variation of the Syndrome means that my body produces high levels of Testosterone. In addition to this, I am also Insulin Resistant. Put simply, I have excess body hair in places most women wouldn’t normally have hair – my jaw line, my chin, my upper lip, my abdomen and so on. It also means that if not controlled or managed, I can become Diabetic by age 40. That’s not even the worst of it though, you see, PCOS is known to cause infertility in women, and without the right interventions, may mean that a woman can never have or naturally conceive a child. It isn’t all doom and gloom though, as there are many different treatments available depending on the personal diagnosis. The problem with PCOS is that not every woman’s problem is the same. Whilst there may be similarities between conditions, each women can have a different variation or symptom. In order to effectively diagnose the ‘issue’ there are many different tests that a woman is told to undergo. They aren’t mandatory, however, they are very important in understanding and correctly diagnosing the root cause of a woman’s infertility issues.

All the medical babble aside, I decided that after two years of feeling sorry for myself – at age 32 – it was time to begin my journey. I’ve spent my entire life knowing that I wanted nothing more in life than to be a mother, and two years of sitting on my ass and doing nothing about it had been wasteful.

There isn’t too much to tell at this point, however, I can confirm that both myself and my husband have seen a GP, been referred to a Fertility Specialist, had blood work done, and next week we will go through what I am hoping will be the last of the necessary tests required. For me, I need to have a HSG (Hysterosalpingography), otherwise known as a Tubal Test. To explain, it basically means that a dye will be injected into my Fallopian Tube to confirm whether or not there are any blockages. I will also undergo a pelvic examination to ensure that my Uterus is of a ‘normal’ shape. As for my husband, he is required to complete a Semen Analysis to ensure that he himself is not infertile. This will also determine if he has strong swimmers, or whether there are any other identifiable issues for him that my be impacting our attempts to get pregnant. After these tests are done, we are to consult our Fertility Specialist and will then discuss the results and required treatments if applicable. Hopefully we will have some answers very soon.

In addition to all of this, as if it isn’t enough already, I have been having a really difficult time within my personal life. I have issues within my family, within my ‘friendship circle’ and issues going on at work. ERGH. I honestly don’t even know how to summarise everything into something short and concise, because truth be told, there is no short version of what’s going on. I feel so incredibly vulnerable and broken at the moment, and it’s as though nobody cares to listen.

I don’t really want to get into the friend/family drama at the minute, but the work drama is a whole thing. I could honestly write an entire post on the issues I am having there, but I will try to summarise; I started a job 4 years ago that I really, really enjoyed. It was a job unlike any I had ever had before. I was genuinely going to be a part of something that meant something. I was actually going to be able to make a difference. The work environment was supportive, the Team Leaders were so approachable, and despite the initial nerves, it was an okay place to work.

Fast forward four years and here we are in 2020. For us in Australia, 2020 rolled in with bush fires followed by floods. The fires were catastrophic. We lost lives, homes and wildlife. The damage was irreversible. The floods followed suit. When things started looking upward for us, in crept Covid-19. From this point everything changed, not just for Australia, but for the world. Naturally, this affected life as everyone knew it and our work place was the first to be impacted by the change. First we were told we’d be working from home, as the office was not able to take appropriate precautions to ensure our safety. Cool. Working from home began and let me tell you, it was chaotic. So many changes were thrown our way and we were promised that some sort of normality (whatever that was) would return ‘soon’. Soon never came. It’s now been six months and we’re still working from home. The workload has multiplied, a quarter of our staff were let go and the pressure is immense. To make matters worse, despite the work load increasing and the pressure being higher than ever, our workplace is scrutinising everything that we do under a microscope. There is no rest and no peace. They are working us into the ground. I honestly feel that I’m at a point of mental breakdown because no one is hearing us and no one cares.

Slap that on top of my fertility issues, my personal issues and my God! I cannot do it anymore! It’s one thing to ‘roll with the punches’, but when do the punches stop? When do I get a break? When does the positive news come? I am almost certain that my issues at work are having a huge impact on my health and wellbeing, and in turn, part of my fertility problems. Hell, my ‘usual’ five weekly cycle was just blown out by three whole weeks! I didn’t have a period for two entire months because my body was so stressed out, and so defeated that it couldn’t manage to function. How does one effectively push through a fertility plan when their body can’t cope? Whatever my body was dealing with before was hard enough, but now it’s about to completely fall apart at the helm of a destructive work place.

I honestly feel at a complete loss, and I have no idea what to do to move forward.

I know that I shouldn’t be complaining, I mean, I’m one of the lucky ones, right? I have a job amidst all this chaos, so I should just shut my mouth and be grateful. People have lost so much this year, and believe me, I feel as though I have no right to complain. However, everyone’s life is different, as in turn are there problems. Please don’t misunderstand me though. I do not at all mean to offend anyone, nor do I mean to minimise the scale of anyone’s problems. I know that holding a job right now is a huge blessing, though the question I am asking myself and cannot seem to answer right now is whether or not the job is worth everything else.

I feel like this entire post is just one big word vomit onto any empty canvas, but I guess that’s an insight into my mind right now. There is no sense, it’s all just madness and unanswered questions. Pros and cons that I can’t manage to put to paper. My sanity feels depleted. My health feels depleted. I have no idea where to even start to clean this up. I am meant to change my lifestyle, I am meant to change my eating habits, I am meant to be poked and prodded, I am meant to show up to work and smile like nothing’s wrong. That’s what society tells us to do, tells me to do, but at what cost?