IF WE WERE HAVING COFFEE

So, I’ve seen these types of posts floating around the blogosphere and have seen so many different varieties of this post that I had no idea where to start. When I thought about what I want this post to be for me, I saw it as a place I could summarise my weekly musings. A place where I can write down the wins and losses of my life in one place, as a way of sharing them with people who care, but also using it as a way to journal out my feelings so that I’m not holding onto them.

As I got to thinking about it even more, I realised that I want to use this space personally. I want this space to be a place that I can connect with anyone who may be reading. I also want this weekly ‘catch up’ to be a breakdown of all the things I’ve done in the previous weeks, the things I would tell my Grandma and Grandpa if they were still here. I miss my Grandparents terribly, and used to catch up with them for coffee quite often. I constantly find myself wishing they were here to offer guidance and comfort in what has easily become the most challenging time in my life.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

If we were having coffee… where would I even start? I’d probably start by telling you all of the wonderful things that happened this past weekend. We kick started the long weekend off with a chill day at home, and then a little dinner and movie date! We had Mexican of course, like that’s even a question! Then we went and watched The Marksman. Liam Neeson was the star of it all, need I say more? I may have eaten a large amount of buttered popcorn and Maltesers, but it was a treat. On Saturday morning we woke up and had breakfast at a cute little roadside cafe not far from home. I had an egg roll complete with BBQ sauce and aioli, with a side of hashbrowns. It went well with the glorious cappuccino I enjoyed! Michael? He had the Boss Breakfast complete with scrambled eggs, sausages, fried tomatoes, baked beans and toast, and given he doesn’t like coffee he opted for the Nutella shake. When we were done, we did some grocery shopping and then went to Bunnings (a huge hardware store for my non Aussie friends) to grab some bits and pieces for home. Saturday wasn’t an overly adventurous day, but it was nice to get out of the house and spend some time together. On Sunday though, we went to the zoo you see, the one that is close to home. There are so many beautiful animals there. It’s almost too difficult to even name a favourite, but by default I am going to stick with the Tiger. He was so beautiful. The exhibit is so perfectly executed, that even though you are quite a distance from him, you feel so close to him. We watched him swim in the river, and gobble down some meaty treats. I could have sat and watched him all day. He was so majestic. As for the Capybaras, they are so very interesting. I’d never seen one in my life until Sunday! They’re like a dog sized Guinea Pig. I guess their similarities with Guinea Pigs makes sense given they are relatives. Did you know that they are the largest living rodent in the world? They’re fascinating! The Zoo is only new, so I guess with some time and money things will get even bigger and better than they already are. Aside from the horrible sunburn I brang home with me, it was such a lovely day and such a wonderful weekend overall.

If we were having coffee… I would then probably tell you about work and how no matter how many times we cry out for help, Management seem completely unwilling to come to the table. They keep promising ‘help’ and giving us a tiny smidgeon of hope, only the help never comes. To make matters worse, the Micro Management is at an all time high. Hell, I can’t even pee without worrying that I’m taking too long and am about to get a call asking me what’s going on. We’re essentially now doing the work of three people (or more) per person, with no thanks or acknowledgement, it’s just expected. I got excited when they put a promotion on offer for a position I so desperately wanted. The hours would change, I’d be able to work more autonomously, but better than that, I’d be working in the area I most enjoy. Naturally it wasn’t meant to be and I was rejected. Applying for that job was like a final straw, I had so much hope and things looked so promising. I’ve wanted to quit for so long, but there is nothing else out there right now. I know I should be grateful for the fact that I have a job in the present moment, but truth be told, I feel that it’s doing me more harm than good. My mental health seems to be declining, I’ve developed what I can only describe as some form of Anxiety, and waking up to the fact that I HAVE to work is such a downer. I’ve never felt anything like this before and I have no idea where to go from here. I keep plodding along, but how long can I honestly deal with this? At what point is enough, enough?

If we were having coffee… I would cry. I would get emotional and have no idea how to tell you out loud that my worst fear has come true. How would I manage the words to tell you that after months of tests, we’ve now been told that our best chance to have children is IVF? I had an inkling before we started any of this that we’d have to do IVF. I’m not sure why, it was just something I felt within myself, yet when the Fertility Specialist delivered the news, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I know I was smiling on the surface, but inside I was breaking down. Following this, the remainder of the appointment was spent discussing payment options, covering a brief run down on the process and the success rates, and then the Specialist told us the next thing we had to do was go home and discuss the presented options. From there we would need to make a decision on what we wanted to do and whether or not IVF would be the right course for us. To add a little extra complication to the decision, we were told that I would be best to lose 12-20kg for our best chance at success should we choose to go ahead. Right now I feel like I’m up shit creek without a paddle. It’s taken me 6 weeks to lose 5kg and now I need to lose more before I can even look to IVF? If by some miracle I lose the weight and we do go ahead, I then have to anticipate countless needles, tests, medications, surgeries and a lot of emotional and mental turmoil. I’ve looked at multiple different websites and conducted many a Google search, but most of what I could find regarding success rates varied depending on the clinic, the Doctor and of course, age. There are also finances to think about. Again, prices vary depending on who you go through and whether or not you are entitled to rebates, or are covered by your Health Insurer. I am so confused and overwhelmed. My mind is absolutely consumed by this, and as of this moment I am struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel. Am I capable of committing to the journey and losing the weight? Am I ready to be a pin cushion? Am I mentally and emotionally prepared for what lies ahead?

If we were having coffee… I’d tell you that 2021 looks to be following the course of 2020. Covid-19 is ever present, the different Australian States are going in and out of lockdown. Travel is impossible. There’s nowhere to go and nothing to do, and whilst I am grateful that I am healthy and safe, a holiday would be so nice. It would be nice to get away somewhere tropical, to bask in the sun, sip on a cocktail or two and just be. It might be the only way to switch off my brain for a little while. But alas, that is just me being a dreamer and allowing my imagination to run wild.With that said, I know things will work themselves out soon, I just have to try and have some patience as do we all.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

If we were having coffee, what would you tell me?